"We did not break into His light. He crashed into our darkness."
And, holy epiphany, Batman...that was the case for me this weekend.
I have struggled for a couple of years now with our oldest son. He's a typical "know-it-all" teenager, for the most part. And although he claims to know the Lord, he doesn't walk "in the Light" most of the time. He does claim to have a conscience, though, so Woo, Hoo!! ;)
Anyway, he decided last year that he wanted to enter public school so he could participate in sports. He's a natural athlete, and we're at a point with him where we believe it would be good for him to find out that he needs to answer to other authorities in life...namely right now, coaches and teachers. I hate sending him to p/s, but it's not about me. :P
So, about eight weeks ago, he began doing the course work that the school wanted him to do before he could enter the p/s. They aren't counting anything I did with him last year (which is totally bogus, imho, but if it's what he wants and what they require, oh well) so he's cramming an entire semesters worth of Algebra I, English and World History into those eight weeks.
I pretty much laid this in his lap. I decided that if this is what he wants, he needs to do the work necessary to reach his goals. However, this is where I've been struggling.
I've not been certain that I have done all I could do to make sure he's really equipped to reach his goals. In fact, I'm certain that I didn't learn how to manage a project of this size until I was about 24 or 25yo. It was about that time that I learned how to break a goal down into manageable chunks that I could reach daily, weekly, monthly, etc. However, I'm pretty sure I haven't done a good job of teaching him how to do that.
So what have I done when he's avoided doing his daily work? I've nagged him. I've told him I doubted that he was going to make it. But I haven't facilitated an environment to help him get his work done (eliminated facebook or youtube, movies with friends) because I really wanted it to be his decision.
But yesterday, the Lord revealed to me (Ecc. 5:4-7) that I have vowed to raise these kids. They are not my own...they are only loaned to me long enough for me to parent them. It's not my job to make them love me, make them love God or make them smart. I did, however, vow to parent them, love them, care for their needs, instruct them in the ways of righteousness.
And I have avoided fulfilling that vow b/c I wanted to make sure my kids loved me, more than I've wanted to actually parent them. It's been a Spirit-filled 2x4 over my head showing me this.
And the other thing He's shown me is that I have not been allowing my gentleness to be evident to my children, those we minister to, nor my friends. I've been anxious and I know that's shown a lack of trust in the Lord. Shame ON ME! I've been doing the very things that are driving my son to produce the wrong things in his life. And, I've avoided teaching him the necessities needed to reach his goals.
So, today we start fresh. He completes the tasks I give him before getting any "free time" on the internet, any movies time with friends, any phone time, etc.
I can't tell you the freedom I know have. It's like a huge emotional garbage bag has been lifted from my hands. I see clearly for the first time in weeks.
And when I sat my 15yos down and told him (in less than 2 minutes, btw) that I felt like I was confusing him, and that all that was going to stop, he almost acted like "Geez...it's about time." It was like he knew he needed more boundaries than I was providing, but he didn't want to admit it, kwim?
So, in the last 48 hours he's completed 12 lessons (just 32 + projects to go) and we're in boot camp mode. ;-)
God is good, and now...let's get this season over with! ;)