Although I was quite shy when I was very young, I really came out of my shell when I turned 14 or 15yo. I started singing in public then (school plays, choirs, wedddings, etc) and I suppose the raise in self-esteem made me feel less vulnerable. I also realized that I had my mom's quick wit, so I began to love being the life of the party. ;o)
Anyway, I have cherished my relationships with people. My church family, our homeschool group, the friends I've met through Five in a Row, and even the gals I work(ed) with on the internet on the Stayin' Home and Lovin' It Team...those relationship have meant the world to me. So now that I don't get to cultivate those relationships much, I'm realizing how lonely I am.
First, we moved to a new community about eight years ago, and although for a few years we were quite active with a residential ministry in town, we never really found a church home. We still visit from time to time, but the congregations (though full of wonderful God-lovers) have just made us miss our affiliations an hour away at our old church. I guess we were spoiled by that fellowship, and no other feels the same.
And our life took a turn a couple of years ago, and I am no longer working so closely with my friends over on the FIAR website, so we rarely talk to one another at all. It's no one's fault, really...life just moves people from one chapter in life to the next...and now I feel several pages "off."
My internet business (although I love it madly!) was not making enough money for me, so I had to take a full time job outside the home, and I never have time to chat with my online marketing friends anymore.
But I realized how heartbroken I was when my 15yod came to me yesterday and said that one of her friend in our homeschool group told her that she had heard some of the moms in the group talking, and they were all gossiping about how our dd would probably be "just like her older brother," whom we've had a lot of trouble managing these past few years. He has some severe emotional issues, and although he's not a druggie/drinker, he is quite defiant and has been violent at times.
I couldn't believe what I heard! I felt so bad for her...she's trying so hard to make Godly decisions about her friendships, her future, even choosing not to date or court until she's much older. And for someone to tell her that she'll be judged no matter what...it was just wrong. :o(
So now I have to wonder if us staying in the homeschool group is a very good idea. If we're already being condemned as parents (otherwise why would they assume our dd is going to be "just like him") by the group we really are hoping to find some unconditional love from, should we be around them?
Now, it's possible that this little girl didn't hear what she thinks she heard...or that she's making it up because she knows our situation and thinks this is a topic she wants to talk about. :-/ I don't know. But I'm feeling so disconnected and lonely these days, and this recent issue is just dumping a very bitter icing on a sloppy and condemning cake.
I'm gripping tightly to my Jesus who looks and me and loves me dearly, and knows my heart completely longs to be loved and accepted...by Him,...and by His children.