R.W. Griffin wrote...

"We did not break into His light. He crashed into our darkness."

And, holy epiphany, Batman...that was the case for me this weekend.

I have struggled for a couple of years now with our oldest son. He's a typical "know-it-all" teenager, for the most part. And although he claims to know the Lord, he doesn't walk "in the Light" most of the time. He does claim to have a conscience, though, so Woo, Hoo!! ;)

Anyway, he decided last year that he wanted to enter public school so he could participate in sports. He's a natural athlete, and we're at a point with him where we believe it would be good for him to find out that he needs to answer to other authorities in life...namely right now, coaches and teachers. I hate sending him to p/s, but it's not about me. :P

So, about eight weeks ago, he began doing the course work that the school wanted him to do before he could enter the p/s. They aren't counting anything I did with him last year (which is totally bogus, imho, but if it's what he wants and what they require, oh well) so he's cramming an entire semesters worth of Algebra I, English and World History into those eight weeks.

I pretty much laid this in his lap. I decided that if this is what he wants, he needs to do the work necessary to reach his goals. However, this is where I've been struggling.

I've not been certain that I have done all I could do to make sure he's really equipped to reach his goals. In fact, I'm certain that I didn't learn how to manage a project of this size until I was about 24 or 25yo. It was about that time that I learned how to break a goal down into manageable chunks that I could reach daily, weekly, monthly, etc. However, I'm pretty sure I haven't done a good job of teaching him how to do that.

So what have I done when he's avoided doing his daily work? I've nagged him. I've told him I doubted that he was going to make it. But I haven't facilitated an environment to help him get his work done (eliminated facebook or youtube, movies with friends) because I really wanted it to be his decision.

But yesterday, the Lord revealed to me (Ecc. 5:4-7) that I have vowed to raise these kids. They are not my own...they are only loaned to me long enough for me to parent them. It's not my job to make them love me, make them love God or make them smart. I did, however, vow to parent them, love them, care for their needs, instruct them in the ways of righteousness.

And I have avoided fulfilling that vow b/c I wanted to make sure my kids loved me, more than I've wanted to actually parent them. It's been a Spirit-filled 2x4 over my head showing me this.

And the other thing He's shown me is that I have not been allowing my gentleness to be evident to my children, those we minister to, nor my friends. I've been anxious and I know that's shown a lack of trust in the Lord. Shame ON ME! I've been doing the very things that are driving my son to produce the wrong things in his life. And, I've avoided teaching him the necessities needed to reach his goals.

So, today we start fresh. He completes the tasks I give him before getting any "free time" on the internet, any movies time with friends, any phone time, etc.

I can't tell you the freedom I know have. It's like a huge emotional garbage bag has been lifted from my hands. I see clearly for the first time in weeks.

And when I sat my 15yos down and told him (in less than 2 minutes, btw) that I felt like I was confusing him, and that all that was going to stop, he almost acted like "Geez...it's about time." It was like he knew he needed more boundaries than I was providing, but he didn't want to admit it, kwim?

So, in the last 48 hours he's completed 12 lessons (just 32 + projects to go) and we're in boot camp mode. ;-)

God is good, and now...let's get this season over with! ;)

An exhausting week

I am so tired, and yet, my head and heart are so full right now, that I feel like I have to at least get this stuff out of my head and down on "paper."

First off, I decided several weeks ago to slow my business building to a dead stop. Originally, it was because I really felt like the kids were at a place where they needed more of my attention. Then, as I began praying about it, I realized that the Lord has been convicting me for quite some time about how much I don't really trust Him when it comes to money. Maybe it's a lack of trust in my dh also, and that bothers me, too. I know it's wrong to feel like that.

But on top of all of that, I have been feeling called to be more involved in our ministry for quite some time, too. I been sorta just coasting along for the most part, helping people here from time to time, but not really investing in praying for them, or helping them draw closer to the Lord, ya know?

So, this week has been crazy.

1. The ministry decided to send a holiday letter to the churches and to our donors, but all of those had to be printed, folded, stuffed in brochures and delivered to the area churches. So, the kids and I spent a couple of days working on that with some of our sojourners and other staffers.

2. Today is foodbank day, like every Saturday. But as soon as we were done with that, 20+ college students came to help with various volunteer projects that needed to be done on the property; moving some of our sojourners from one apartment to another, painting a couple of rooms, painting some shelving, cleaning the foodbank, etc. And, the staff (including me) had to prepare for and supervise each project. It took us until about 5pm, so it was just a very long day today.

3. A couple of our sojourners have really needed some one-on-one attention this past week, too. Our apartment is right inside the front door of the facility, so my doorbell has been busy all week. I want to be helpful, but I seldom know where to draw the line so that my home doesn't have a revolving door. And my husband is also tired of not happy about there never being a quiet moment. Now, he's never been as quick to let people "in" as I have, but working in this ministry is really pushing his limits. And it's not like I'm not tired and feel like we need a break more often...it's just that I think I look at these "visits" differently, ya know? I mean, many of our sojourners really have no place to go for wise counsel, and many of them also are not very sure how to run to the Lord. It's a tough spot, for sure.

4. And, to top off the week, my dh and son are really having trouble communicating. To be honest, I feel like my son is handling the whole thing much better than dh is. Frustrates the tar out of me!!! So, I don't know what I can do about it. I try way to hard to "fix things," I know. And that's not good. But, it's exhausting, and is just wearing me out. :-/

Well, it feels good to unload a little. 15yos is doing his schooling daily, but there are lots of roadblocks, including the internet being down, and him getting distracted so easily. But I'm convinced that he's going to reach his goals. He doesn't have a choice. :-)

The other two kids are just awesome. One of our sojourners told me this week while I was decorating our front door, that she sees a huge difference in the kids since I decided to take a break from working. She also said that I seem far less stressful, too. I was glad to hear that. To be truthful, I really didn't know how unapproachable I was when I was working so much. Shame on me.

It's late, and I'm struggling with some late night anger towards my dh, so need to spend some time in prayer before sleeping.

Lord, You have been so good to me. My gratitude seems so small considering how great You are. Forgive me for being fearful. Forgive me for getting short tempered and being so prideful. Show me how to make a difference in our home that will matter. I'm trusting You, Jesus.

How Could I Ask For More? by Cindy Morgan

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytIEoSH6qrE

Don't Expect Me to Laugh at Your Killer!

I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted on this thing. We've been incredibly busy with the move, activities going on in the ministry and, of course, bringing our son home from Michigan. It's good to have him home. But in all honesty, I did not miss the "three-siblings-pickin'-on-each-other" thing while he was away. I suppose it's all a part of sibling rivalry, huh?

A couple of nights ago, I was talking to the oldest, and he tends to be the typical teenage boy; making crude jokes with his goofy friends, laughing at things that most "refined" folks would consider inappropriate, and more often than not, are offensive to my "gentile" sensibilities. ;o) He had made a comment about something we were watching on TV. There were these two men living the bachelor life, and they were having dates over. My son said something like, "Yeah...my friend and me will be just like that (using his poor grammar and all here)...we'll have our own place and have chicks over ever night. It'll be sweet!"

Ugh!

Now any other night, I probably would have just blown it off. But I have been feeling such conviction in my own life lately, about how much we are entertained, and even laugh at sin. So, I just sorta snapped. I mean, I didn't begin yelling or anything, but I just began weeping. Have I trained this child to think that living a life of sinful pleasures will just be no big deal?? Have I been so apathetic about what I've watched and enjoyed, that he now thinks that he has no choice but to "enjoy" sowing his wild oats? :o/ Is there something else I should have been doing to help him understand that sin is a destroyer of life, and not something to play around with?

As I began trying to explain how I felt to him, I realized that he was really hearing nothing. He sorta rolled his eyes and gave me the "okay, sitting through another mommy rant" look that I have just grown to detest. So I stopped mid-thought, and just said, "Someday we'll talk about this seriously, and I hope it's not too late." :o(

I cried myself to sleep that night. But as I lay there praying, "Lord, Lord...please let him understand," another thought came to me. My children are responsible for their own convictions and beliefs, yes. I know I can only offer them the truth, but that doesn't mean that they HAVE to accept it as such. But, I don't have to spend time enjoying the very things that I know can eat them alive. It'll be a monumental task, especially because I do love watching TV and movies with the kids so much. But I've made my decision, kids...

Don't expect me to laugh at your killer. :o/

Moving again! Yay...and Awwww.

Nobody enjoys all the hard work it takes to move. But, I'm actually quite excited. The volunteers here at the ministry have done a wonderful job of renovating, and actually creating, a new apartment. New kitchen, new utility room, new bathroom, and new carpet and linoleum. I'll post photos when we get all the cleaning done there so y'all can see it. And although I'm already swamped with a lot of work these days, I am very excited. Not only will that put staff on the main level of the complex (us!), but it will also be the newest and nicest apartment in the place.

The biggest perk for us will be that we no longer have to share a washer and dryer with other families in the complex. I don't mind so much sharing with them, but having to have a schedule, and not being able to wash everyday, any time I'd like, has been tough to get used to. Plus, other families will now be able to use the 12 hours that I've had the machines reserved for us each week. LOL! I'm sure they're all as thrilled as I am. :o)

Attachment Parenting...Great for the kid...but what about the babysitter?

Now, it's been years since I had a baby in my home. My youngest will be 9yo this month, and his baby years were just a blur for me.

So, I told one of the gals in our complex that I'd be happy to watch her 5mos for a few hours today, while she got her teeth pulled out of town. No sweat right? :o/

Well, evidently, she has been practicing "attachment parenting" or something similar. Because this kid would not let me put him down! :oP I had to either be feeding, playing with, or rocking him constantly. He even fell asleep in my arms after taking a bottle and givin' me a few monstrous burps. But when I tried to place him on his blanket on the floor,...WAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHH!!! I mean a screech like you would NOT believe.

Now, don't get me wrong; I held and carried my babies quite a bit when they were little. But they usually just played by themselves in th playpen or crib until they fell asleep, ya know?

I whole-heartedly agree that attachment parenting is a wonderful thing...unless you're the babysitter. ;o)

LOL!

Season's Change

This has just been a week of changes. For the last eight years, I've been working as a volunteer on the Five in a Row forums. We fell in love with that curriculum nine years ago, and I became active in the online community then. In fact, I can honestly say that FIAR has been instrumental in our lives in dozens of ways.

If it hadn't been for FIAR, our homeschool journey would have been far less adventurous and fun.

If it hadn't been of FIAR, I never would have met and become close friends with the most amazing and wonderful people in the world.

If it hadn't been for FIAR, I never would have met, Madeline, Albert, Henry, Babar, Sal, and many other fine works of literature.

And if it hadn't been for FIAR, I might have missed the countless times that I've seen the FIAR staff operate as the church in the truest sense of the word.

This week, I was approached with the idea of retiring from the staff, and I agreed that it was time. Steve didn't actually ask me to leave the staff, he just opened the door for us to think about it. So, I prayed about it, and decided that it was time. My children are so much older now, and I have so little time to really be helpful on the staff.

It's a sad time for me, though. I know I'll retain and cherish the relationships that have been built during these last eight years. But change is difficult for me. :-(

I've also been in the process of enrolling my oldest in public school. He's going to be coming home from some friends' house in the next few weeks. And we've decided that his homeschooling journey has ended. He's 15yo now, and ready to become active in sports. He's already taken the school assessment and will be able to start on "grade level" which I've never really paid attention to, but I'm glad he's really not considered "behind," ya know?

But the season of change doesn't end there. I'm also having my 13yod evaluated by the local special ed. co-op, to determine if she has learning disabilities that they can offer services addressing her lack of reading skills. Now THIS really does make me nervous. Although, the SEC director was very nice and said he would help me with all the paperwork and hoop-jumping that needed to be done. Still, it's closer to having "big brother" in my business than I've really ever wanted. LOL!

And lastly, several of the people I've been ministering to where we live, are moving. I am really not ready for them to go, and will miss them so much.

Remarkably enough, I have a great deal of peace about many of these changes. I know that God is working actively in my life, and in the lives of my family. Change is difficult; sometimes I feel like I'm being pruned and it's painful. But I also know it's necessary for growth to happen.

Lord, don't let me miss it.