Someday My Children Might Call Me Blessed...

Where My Heart is Today

2009-08-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

Naive by Chris Rice

How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That’s quite enough!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please...hurry?

I hear that a God who’s good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it’s because You’re good You’re giving us more time, yeah
‘Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That’s quite enough, and your time is up!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please...hurry?

Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You

How long?

The Social Butterfly Lands Hard

2009-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Although I was quite shy when I was very young, I really came out of my shell when I turned 14 or 15yo. I started singing in public then (school plays, choirs, wedddings, etc) and I suppose the raise in self-esteem made me feel less vulnerable. I also realized that I had my mom's quick wit, so I began to love being the life of the party. ;o)

Anyway, I have cherished my relationships with people. My church family, our homeschool group, the friends I've met through Five in a Row, and even the gals I work(ed) with on the internet on the Stayin' Home and Lovin' It Team...those relationship have meant the world to me. So now that I don't get to cultivate those relationships much, I'm realizing how lonely I am.

First, we moved to a new community about eight years ago, and although for a few years we were quite active with a residential ministry in town, we never really found a church home. We still visit from time to time, but the congregations (though full of wonderful God-lovers) have just made us miss our affiliations an hour away at our old church. I guess we were spoiled by that fellowship, and no other feels the same.

And our life took a turn a couple of years ago, and I am no longer working so closely with my friends over on the FIAR website, so we rarely talk to one another at all. It's no one's fault, really...life just moves people from one chapter in life to the next...and now I feel several pages "off."

My internet business (although I love it madly!) was not making enough money for me, so I had to take a full time job outside the home, and I never have time to chat with my online marketing friends anymore.

But I realized how heartbroken I was when my 15yod came to me yesterday and said that one of her friend in our homeschool group told her that she had heard some of the moms in the group talking, and they were all gossiping about how our dd would probably be "just like her older brother," whom we've had a lot of trouble managing these past few years. He has some severe emotional issues, and although he's not a druggie/drinker, he is quite defiant and has been violent at times.

I couldn't believe what I heard! I felt so bad for her...she's trying so hard to make Godly decisions about her friendships, her future, even choosing not to date or court until she's much older. And for someone to tell her that she'll be judged no matter what...it was just wrong. :o(

So now I have to wonder if us staying in the homeschool group is a very good idea. If we're already being condemned as parents (otherwise why would they assume our dd is going to be "just like him") by the group we really are hoping to find some unconditional love from, should we be around them?

Now, it's possible that this little girl didn't hear what she thinks she heard...or that she's making it up because she knows our situation and thinks this is a topic she wants to talk about. :-/ I don't know. But I'm feeling so disconnected and lonely these days, and this recent issue is just dumping a very bitter icing on a sloppy and condemning cake.

I'm gripping tightly to my Jesus who looks and me and loves me dearly, and knows my heart completely longs to be loved and accepted...by Him,...and by His children.

A Gentle Nudge...or a smack with a 2 x 4!

2009-08-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

Since our homeschooling journey began several years ago, I've been blessed to meet and become good friends with some amazing people. If you've never done so, introduce yourself to some of the vendors who attend your local home educators convention. You will probably find some like-minded lifelong friends.

Anyway, one of my favorite people (and one of the wisest men I know) reminded me today of all the reasoning that went into our decision to homeschool all those years ago. When we started this adventure over 13 years ago, we believed we were called by God to teach them to know Him, love Him and love others. All the other stuff was to be built upon those few principles.

But as the years have gone by, it's become so easy to get bogged down in making sure each child is "doing what they should do" to satisfy some intangible standard apllied to my family by some mystical force "out there." By that, I mean, it's become easy for me to take my eyes off of the most important thing (knowing God, loving God and loving each other) and instead, because of outward (or sometimes inward) pressure to make sure my kids are "smart enough," focus on whether we're teaching the right math, the right history, the right (or enough) language arts.

I can see how that happened. Like most homeschooling parents, I'm bombarded with dozens, if not hundreds, of choices of curriculum. This one helps them learn faster, while that one helps them learn more. This one teaches in a style that makes learning more fun, while that one focuses on rote memorization. And after awhile, the idea of my children being faster, harder, more critical thinkers become quite appealing. And I cave...cave to the pressure to make sure each day that they're "doing enough," insted of building solid, strong and Christ-honoring relationships FIRST and foremost in our home.

So today, thanks to my friend's proverbial 2x4, we focus anew on the heart concepts that set us off down this road all those years ago. And I pray we never lose sight again of what what God has called us to do.

What a difference a day...er...a YEAR makes!

2009-07-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a good long year since I posted an update about my family here. And the year couldn't have been much crazier. :oP '

I suppose the biggest change has been that I am now working full time outside the home. Yep! After 17 wonderful years of either working from home as an entrepreneur, or not working at all, I am now leaving my kids 40 hours a week. :o( It's been difficult to do, but we just didn't have a choice. My 17yos now attends public school, which he had actually decided to do before I went back to work, so he could play football. But I'm still trying to homeschool my 15yod and 10yos. This has proven to be quite a challenge.

For one thing, my mother is trying to keep the hsing kids on track with some basics while I get used to a new work schedule. When I started working in Feb. I was on a day shift, but now I work 12-hour shifts three or four nights a week. So me being in bed until noon several days a week is pretty common. But Mom does her best to make sure the kids are getting some basics done each day...or close to each day. ;o)

The sleep schedule is really tough, though. For example, everyone's in bed as I type this at 2:23am, except me. ;o) I probably won't go to sleep until at least 4am. Just can't do it. Then, when everyone's up in the morning...I'll be dead to the world. :o( I've been toying with the idea of letting the kids stay up almost as late as I do now...so we'd wake together, but there's no way my mom could do that, and I really need her awake to keep the home fires from burning out of control. LOL

And I'm also considering using a "box" curriculum with the kids this year. Generally speaking, I hate the whole 'textbook-workbook-regurgitation' method of learning, and instead, we use unit studies. The kids enjoy them, too...not just me. ;o) But having lessons all planned out and easy to track right now...that sounds very appealing. :o/ Still thinking about that one. And, my 15yod is definitely getting a reading tutor this year...something my job can pay for. At least it's good for somethin.' ;o)

Well, off to work on the kitchen...yes, at 2:30am.

See ya soon!

Can't believe how long it's been since I posted on my blog.

2009-07-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many people even visit my blog, to be honest with ya. But I'm very interested in making sure I stay more on top of this thing. It's been over a year since I've been here and made my presence known. I'm so inspired by all of you hsing moms who keep us all informed about what's going on in your lives with your blogs. In fact,...inspired may not be the word. JEALOUS! Yep...jealous is definitely the word. LOL!

I've got a new laptop and have to transfer my photo files over from the old one, then you'll be able to see what's going on in our lives these days. ;o)

Promise!

The Gang is Headed to Colorado for BAK!

2008-06-06T07:57:00.001-07:00

Here's a photo of the guys (and gals) before pulling out and heading to the starting line for this years BAK! They're so excited! ;o)

My hubby is the one in the middle with the bright orange shirt. It's been 20 years since he went on a ride like this, so he's very pumped.

Never heard of these guys!

2008-05-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

Not sure where I've been, but I love this. :o) And just so you'll know, I'm a "rock-n-roller" mom. ;o)

See? I told you the school room looked better!

2008-05-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

I have a table in the middle of the room now, but no photo of it, yet. :)

More moving photos

2008-05-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

So now that I've got the dining room table moved in, and it's crowded by the enormous freezer :-P, I'm thinking it's time for a new table. My grandmother has given me her beautiful old table and chairs, but I've been afraid to get it in my home and discover we might not take very good care of it.
But maybe it's time.

I made these little memo boards myself, so just had to show them. I'd seen someone make them in no time at all on H&G channel a long, long time ago. When I discovered these boards in my mom's garage this week, I just couldn't resist. I am excited to have them hanging in my kitchen now. :-)

And here's what the school room looked like as we all began dumping our loads of books on moving day. Oh, my! You'll notice that the one set of shelves that's even remotely close to organized, is my FIAR shelving unit. LOL!

I'm happy to report that it looks much better now...but those photos will have to wait. :o)

And this is the very small living room. Not a problem, since we really don't do much living in there anyway. It's a cozy TV room more than anything else. ;)

Photo's of our new apartment!

2008-05-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

Here's the awesome kitchen. Two double sinks (can ya tell it used to function as a fellowship hall for a church? and the counter opens into the formal dining room, ala the "garage door." ;)

This is the east side of the master bedroom. There's another closet just like this one on the west side. Dh is thrilled to know he'll have his very own closet to clutter any way he chooses. LOL

And three of the five bedrooms have these built in study nooks and double folding door closets. I can't tell you what a relief it will be to have ALL their garments hung in the closet. Yes!!

Wondering how Job did it!

2008-04-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, the pastor preached a great sermon on why God allows bad things to happen. And man! I was so pumped when I left the church. I mean, it was just so comforting and made so much sense.

Now, I find myself in a "losing it all" situation (or it feels like that to me), and I can't imagine how Job survived it. What must his faith truly have been like? And why would he even want a relationship with God after having everything stripped away from him?

Am I the only one looking up and saying, "What?! Weren't things bad eNOUGH?! And wasn't I trying alREADY to make things better? To do something RIGHT?! THIS? THIS is Your idea of the LOVING thing?!?"

And I'm ashamed to admit that my walk with God looks more like a swagger...or a stumble...sometimes, than a walk. But here I am...swaying to and fro again. *weep* And in the midst of it, I sense the soft strands of a rope anchored around my waist, and I'm being gently pulled forward, as I stagger down the current path, desperate to avoid land mines and potholes...thoughts and feelings of desertion and fear...shame and guilt...doubt and anger.

Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my cousel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dus and ashes." Job 42:1-6

Amazing, Amazing Sermon Sunday

2008-04-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many Sunday mornings I just don't have the "umph" to go "do" church. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but b/c we are so limited on time, I feel very detached from the people we worship with some Sundays. It's really, a terrific place to worship...Mennonite Brethren with two services each Sun. morning, both with about 250 or so people...and we've had lots of dealings with them via the ministry, and they're great people who love the Lord. We were just so close to our former church family (of 17 years, if I recall) so it's difficult to start over...so we just haven't tried very hard. :(

But this morning, the Spirit was moving all over the place. First, pastor read the passage from Job, where Job finds out that his family, livelihood, everything is gone. And he confesses that he came naked, and naked he'll return. So I knew the pastor was headed down a familiar "When-bad-things-happen" path. Then, the college kids who led our worship were just terrific, and I just felt the Lord wash all over me as I sang (quite hoarsely ) Amazing Love, You Never Let Go, etc.

The pastor started a four part series about answering hard questions, and the first question was "Why does God let bad things happen?"

I can't tell you how many times we get that question in our ministry, as I'm sure lots of you do, too. But the points he made were just so good. And, at one point he mentioned that sometimes we need the bad things to happen so we can be disciplined. Most of us don't like this point. :P But, he pointed out some scriptures to support this, and then said something about how, as children, we don't always like it but we need to be corrected. I whispered in dh's ear, "Don't you dare look over at insert-16yos-name-here." To which we both just laughed. A second or so passed, and 16yos leaned over to his dad and said, "Not one word from either of you." To which we all started giggling almost out of control. LOL

Anyway, the other points the pastor made were good, too. He talked about how the human race had really chosen for Him to be separate from our affairs (ala, Adam & Eve), that God is able to use horrible circumstances and even when we think things are out of control, God is really in control. These are all points I've heard (and made) before. And as much as I was gleaning from the service today, I really felt like this sermon was for someone else, too.

The rest is not for public view. :o)

I Just Don't Think It's Possible to Really Take a Day OFF!

2008-03-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

The ministry is a busy, BUSY place. I mean, think about it for a minute: the director, one board member and I (all with families of our own to care for) live with and mentor eight women (some with children), and they each have significant problems; spiritual, emotional, physical, mental...

This means that my door is revolving. Someone is knocking all the time and in some sort of need. One thing I notice from time to time is that they believe their needs supersede anyone else's needs...so they really "need" me to drop whatever I'm doing and help them.

So the director and I came up with a plan of sorts. Each week we each take a "day off." It sounded like a great idea! Just post a note on the door to your apartment saying that you aren't available for the day, right? And on that day, purpose to take some time for yourself; read, relax, go for a walk with your kids, sleep in, turn off your phone (yeah, right!), and just sorta disengage for the day.

Impossible!

It just doesn't happen.

For one, my kids are still wanting to play with their friends in the complex, so they're all in and out of my apartment constantly.

Two, a note on the door saying I'm "unavailable" seems not to be a deterrent for most of these gals. In their mind, I'm here for them, so I should set aside "my day" to help them in their "emergency," which tends not to be much of an emergency to me, but I understand why it can seem like it is to them.

And three, I feel terribly guilty for laying around reading, sleeping in, or whatever. I can't seem to make myself stay away. I suppose (and I hate how pious this sounds, but...) I just feel like the Lord intends for me to give myself to others, and because of that, I wonder if I really NEED a day off. Is it possible that it's just some sort of worldly mandate I feel like I must follow? I dunno. :o/

In any event, I'm resting now, catching up on my blog (as well as some others') and I have two meetings scheduled today to meet with sojourners. I guess I'm not REALLY off today, after all. ;o)

How do I love thee? Let me count the DAYS!

2008-03-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

I remember when my kids were very, very young, thinking to myself, "If only they could live with me forever...if only they'd need me and I could hold and nurture them each and every day for the rest of our lives." See, I was quite saddened back then at the idea of them never needing me again. After all, we waited and waited for the Lord to answer our prayers and bring us these wonderful blessings to adopt...

You can imagine my shock...my utter amazement, when I realized I was looking at the calendar and actually counting the days until the kids start leaving the nest. *GASP*

Okay...let's see here...the 16yo will probably not go to college, just because he doesn't love learning the way I had hoped, so he'll probably join the service and attend trade school...hmmmm...at least two more years with him. And my 13yodd,...she's destined to stay with us til she's married, I'm certain...so,...Wow!...at least another five years with her. Now, what about the baby...?...Oh, my...just eight or so years to go until college for him...

Now, it's not exactly what you might think. I'm not really in a big hurry to rush them all out the door...or at least not because I'm sick of them or tired of parenting them. That's not it at all!

I think I'm just realizing that those "empty nest days" are something to look forward to, not something to dread. My children are becoming adults, slowly but surely (sometimes too surely, and for my 16yos, way too slowly *lol* ) and I'm beginning to see that...Hey! that's what I've been parenting them for...to become God-fearing adults, capable of making decisions, investments, and even their own mistakes.

And besides,...dh and I could really use a honeymoon. ;o)

Boundaries of Jell-O

2008-03-01T12:03:00.001-08:00

One of the most difficult things for me to do as a parent, is stick to the boundaries dh and I decide are best for our children. For example, when we were younger, and our kids were quite small, we made the decision to watch/rent only "G" and "PG" movies. But as the years have gone by, there have been movies that we both wanted to watch, and lo' and behold, they'd be rated "PG-13," or (Heaven forbid!) even "R." So, we'd relax the rule, make an exception, and now here we are with lots of "exception" and very little "rule."

I suppose much of that is natural. After all, as my children get older, I want them to begin deciding on their own a bit about what's "okay" and what's not, in certain areas.

But my kids have become masters at figuring out how to make Mom "gel" with the boundaries. Perhaps it's just a "once in a lifetime" event that would break our curfew...and then that situation seems to present itself more and more often. Or maybe it's a special show on TV that airs well past bedtime, so we'd better make sure we stay up and watch it...but then three other nights in the week have "specials" on, as well. *sigh*

I guess I just want my kids to know the difference between a boundary that has to stick, in order to protect them, and a boundary that is made of gelatin, and can be used to make life better for us as a family...whether it's more fun, or just something we would like to see happen for us. But I wonder how much of this they're truly understanding.

I suppose one way to know if the kids are respecting my boundaries, is to see if they're respecting (or even making) their own. Is school work, prayer time, eating right, avoiding certain situations, etc. important to them?

My youngest son (9yo) has had the toughest time with one boundary in particular. We live in an apartments complex. Although we're in a small town, I've made it clear that ds can NOT just walk out of the apartment without telling me he's leaving. That's tough for him. Mostly because we used to live in the country, and walking outside was not something that necessarily had to be reported, unless you were leaving "shoutin' distance." LOL! So for the last couple of years, retraining him to let me know when he's walking out the door, has been a struggle. And, consequently, he's been grounded to the apartment and from friend time quite often. :( I hate that...because I know it's probably not intentional, but is forgetfulness a good reason to soften this boundary? I have decided, no...his safety is more important.

However, recently I'm noticing he's doing much better...making sure to tell his friends whenever they come to call, that they'll have to wait on him at the door so he can tell his mom he's going to the playground. It's taken a long time, but the adjustment is finally taking hold. And since I know it is, when he does forget from time to time, I feel like I can let him "off the hook" a bit, because the rest of the time, he's doing so well remembering the boundary.

Obviously, doing this depends greatly on the kid, and how quickly they adjust once the consequences have been applied. :-D But today I'm just wondering how to manage my own boundaries, and what the Lord does to correct me when I don't do it very well. ;)

He's becoming a man.

2008-02-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

I posted these on the FIAR forum's re: my 16yo's recent birthday. *sigh*

D'bomb is turning 16yo!
I can't even believe it. It seems like yesterday we drove across the state to pick up this tiny little five pound baby that would change our lives forever. Now, he's 180 pounds of solid awesomeness ;-) , and I can't stand it.

We have such a short time with them, Ladies. Let's don't waste a moment!

Something Sweet to Share!

Friday night, I allowed D'bomb to spend time with friends and see a movie and such. We couldn't afford a big party for his big day, so I told him that he could do a "guy night" on Friday, and spend Sat. night (the big day) with family...you know...his fave dinner, rent a movie, games he likes, etc. He agreed.

But Saturday, I realized that some of his friends wanted to do something with him, and I invited them all to join us for enchilada's and ch.chip cookies. One of his friends' mother actually made the dinner, so their family and ours shared a nice supper. (She also had a great idea for an inexpensive gift; sixteen days of celebration. Every day he gets 16 of something - one dollar bills, chocolate kisses, cheese sticks, whatever...so I'm doing that, and writing a personal card to go with each gift, too. )

But then D'bomb tells me that he and his buddies were planning to rent a movie or two, and watch it with one of his mentors (actually, the youth coordinator we work with in the ministry here). I was disappointed, but since his dad was working anyway, and I had lots of cleaning up to do, I didn't say much. I teased him about owing me a date, and off they went.

But a moment later I sat down at the table and just started ing. I wasn't angry or anything, just missing my little guy and realizing how much he's building a life that will soon have very little to do with me. He must have sensed my disappointment. Because ten seconds later, he popped his head in the door and said, "Mom...if you'd have said no, it would have been okay." I told him to go have a good time, and that I wasn't crying because he was deciding to be with "the guys," I was just missing my little boy. He said, "Speed Scrabble later, okay?" with a giant grin on his face.

I said, "You bet," and off he went.

It's funny...about the time I feel like I'm losing him, I start to realize he's closer than I thought.

Had to share.

Success!! Success!!

2008-02-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so proud of my ds. :o) I looked up his scores and he brought that straggling nasty "F" (due to not completing and handing in some assignments) up to a "B," just since last week. Yay, Baby! Dad and I knew you could do it!! I am just so blessed to watch him tackling the hard stuff in his new situation. Just a few short months ago I was on my knees daily, wondering if he'd know what to do with the pressures of eight new classes with eight new teachers. I think his self-esteem has just sky rocketed in the last six weeks. *happy sigh*

Lord, You're an amazing Father providing for our needs and blessing us with tremendous gifts. May we never forget how wonderful You are...especially when our circumstances don't display Your love toward us the way we'd like. Amen!

Finally opening up to Mom.

2008-02-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

My almost 16yos finally came to me last night and admitted that he was over his head. He's been acting like it's been no big deal; trying to keep up with eight subjects in high school (after 12 years of homeschooling with Mom)and still have a "fabulous" social life with friends, movies, bowling league, and more.

Last night he texted me with my own phone (quite a trick) and begged me to let him sleep an hour later this morning, go in late to school, and told me he was ready to ask for help with some of his classes that he's been struggling to keep up in. I was tempted to give him the "you've made your bed, now lay in it" speech (shame on me). But instead, I just said three things (no lecture):

1) Are you ready to admit that you haven't been making your schoolwork enough of a priority and make the necessary changes? (homework coming before friends and fun NO MATTER WHAT)

2) Are you ready to stop arguing with me about it when I see that you're not making a wise decision (major procrastinator)?

3) Yes, you can sleep in, but when you wake up, you complete your missing assignment in History.

He said "yes" to the first two items, and heaved a sigh of relief and gratitude when I said the third.

So, this morning, he got up an hour later, worked on his assignment, and dh drove him to school. I hope he meant what he said. It took a lot for him to actually say in his text to me, "I won't ask for another morning off again...I promise!" See, it's been only five weeks since he started attending public school. And he's asked to stay home at least four different mornings already. And we've forced him to go, b/c we felt it was very important for him to have to learn that anything worth having would take doing "the hard thing." I guess after only five weeks, he's realizing just what we said was true; they don't do there what we do in our homeschool, and they require certain things that we don't think are necessary for genuine learning to take place. But, if you want to play football, you just have to do what they require. I knew it was tougher for him than he thought it was going to be, but he was SURE not going to admit that to his parents. LOL!

And of course, I'm wanting to probably make it a bigger deal that it is. But any attempt by me to do so would be met with some pretty serious eye-rollilng. LOL!

So today, I'll just praise the Lord that ds finally felt like he could admit to his "O'Lady" that he needed her. *sniff*

The Times...they are a changin!

2008-02-12T18:01:00.000-08:00

And I'm not sure I like it much. :oP

I haven't been updating my blog much these last few months, because, as some of you know, I've been working to get my teenager ready to enter public school for the first time. *gulp* I know many moms who are used to having their kids in school all day, but I've been homeschooling for the last 12 years, and so this is alot like his first day of "K" for me. *sniff*

The transition has actually been very good for him. He's learning to answer to other authorities in his life, and having to live on a more rigid schedule. I've been a very relaxed homeschooler for the most part, so this is a good change for him, too. I think he's also realized that we aren't the only parents in the world that have expectations and boundaries for our children.

As much as I miss him being around day-in and day-out, I'm so proud of him for doing what's necessary to make his dreams come true. He only decided to go to public school this year so he could start playing football in the fall. He's very athletic, and even though he doesn't like "the system" he's having to get used to, he's willing.

I'd like to say this is a character quality he's learned from me. But I'm not sure that's the case. LOL!

Who's Lord in my home?

2007-12-31T10:02:00.000-08:00

I remember reading Lou Priolo's book, The Heart of Anger. I only got through the first few chapters (typical of me), but that was enough to teach me a very important lesson. In the book, the author points out how insecure we make our kids when they become the center of our universe, instead of God. When we have a "child-centered home" instead of a "God-centered home," our kids learn that the world can and should revolve around them. They begin to feel insecure with our parenting. In fact, Priolo says this clearly provokes children to wrath.

I believe I have really seen this principle in my home. One of my children in particular, is very angry and even cruel, at times. But in all honesty, I can understand why. We have danced around his every need for many years, and now, he hates us for it. He knows we love God, but also believe he has the power to make us set aside our faith or relationship with Jesus long enough to appease him. It's a shameful thing to have to admit, but I believe our past is riddled with these truths.

On the flip side, I also believe that we've learned a valuable lesson in all this, and we're no longer willing to set aside our beliefs just to make him happy. My revelation some weeks ago that my commitment to the Lord includes raising my children, not necessarily making them love/like me, has given me so much peace and direction. The reigns are a bit tighter in our home, but this has provided a safer environment for our kids. And I believe my oldest is responding well to that, even if he'd never admit it.

So, as I look forward to a new year, I'd have to say that my word (something I got from the FIAR website) would have to be...LORD.

Why do teenagers just not get this?!

2007-12-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

I can't believe some of the things that come out of my teenage son's mouth sometimes. Not just potty humor things or insulting his siblings, but offensive things to other people. He thinks it's funny and it's just NOT! When I was a teenager, I was so repentant when I'd hurt someone else with my words. It was always an accident, but my son is not like that. I'm being told that it's a teenage boy thing, but I'm not buying that.

So now he's said something to offend one of the ladies who lives in the ministry complex, and I told her to go to the director with it. He needs to see that his words have meaning, and that they WILL get him into trouble with others in authority if he doesn't watch it. This was a major offense. His mentor will be called in (we provide all of our residents with a staff mentor, even the kids in staff families) and they'll all discuss it together. He won't be disciplined by me or his dad. This offense is bigger than that.

Lord, my heart is broken over my son's inability to see the power of words, and his lack of compassion for the people he offends. Please show him that Your ways are so much better, and that he actually CAN control his tongue. I'm surrendering him to You, Lord. And that's so hard for me to do...but he's not listening to us...please, Lord...do whatever it takes to cause him to finally listen to You. Amen.

Edit: The director of our facility and his mentor have spoken, and his side of the story paints a much better picture. I believe him, and that this gal was not innocent in her part, either. Thanking God for working things out.

Well, we're making progress, but boy does it hurt!

2007-12-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

I realized last week that I would be seen as my son's greatest nemesis when I decided to push him to the limit and make him do the school work needed to get him into high school in Jan. But, wow!

He's very frustrated, for one thing. And I know he's grappling with a lot of issues. He' realizing that he waited way too long to kick it into gear. The lessons take an hour a piece, or more, and he's got more than 20 lessons to go. Plus, he's going to be required to do a ton of paper work. Book reports, essays, a power point presentation...things that he should have started two months ago, when I told him to. Do you know how hard it is for me NOT to say, "See? I told you so!" :-P But I haven't done that. Well,...when he's been very short tempered with me, and even given me a "Whatever," I have said something about him making this mess, so he's got to deal with it.

Some of his school work takes 10 or 11 hours a day, and I'm still not completely sure he's going to get everything done. His teacher/director at the learning center is willing to help grade his work over the Christmas break, too...which is so much more grace than he deserves. I can't imagine him not realizing how "on his side" we all are, but he seems to be blind to it.

So, we've got at least ten more days of hell before the deadline. I'm not even sure that the school is going to accept all his work, b/c if they look at the time it's taken him, they could decide he just has to wait until next fall, and even though he should be a junior (willing to be a sophomore), he'll have to enroll as a freshman. He'll be devastated, but I'm hoping he'll learn his lesson. If he fails, my prayer is he cries out to God. If he succeeds, I know he'll have lots of learning opportunities in his new school setting. As much as I love schooling them at home, I have so much peace about him enrolling in the public school. A first for us...and him!

Lord help us all ride through this season and remain standing on the other side. Amen!

R.W. Griffin wrote...

2007-12-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

"We did not break into His light. He crashed into our darkness."

And, holy epiphany, Batman...that was the case for me this weekend.

I have struggled for a couple of years now with our oldest son. He's a typical "know-it-all" teenager, for the most part. And although he claims to know the Lord, he doesn't walk "in the Light" most of the time. He does claim to have a conscience, though, so Woo, Hoo!! ;)

Anyway, he decided last year that he wanted to enter public school so he could participate in sports. He's a natural athlete, and we're at a point with him where we believe it would be good for him to find out that he needs to answer to other authorities in life...namely right now, coaches and teachers. I hate sending him to p/s, but it's not about me. :P

So, about eight weeks ago, he began doing the course work that the school wanted him to do before he could enter the p/s. They aren't counting anything I did with him last year (which is totally bogus, imho, but if it's what he wants and what they require, oh well) so he's cramming an entire semesters worth of Algebra I, English and World History into those eight weeks.

I pretty much laid this in his lap. I decided that if this is what he wants, he needs to do the work necessary to reach his goals. However, this is where I've been struggling.

I've not been certain that I have done all I could do to make sure he's really equipped to reach his goals. In fact, I'm certain that I didn't learn how to manage a project of this size until I was about 24 or 25yo. It was about that time that I learned how to break a goal down into manageable chunks that I could reach daily, weekly, monthly, etc. However, I'm pretty sure I haven't done a good job of teaching him how to do that.

So what have I done when he's avoided doing his daily work? I've nagged him. I've told him I doubted that he was going to make it. But I haven't facilitated an environment to help him get his work done (eliminated facebook or youtube, movies with friends) because I really wanted it to be his decision.

But yesterday, the Lord revealed to me (Ecc. 5:4-7) that I have vowed to raise these kids. They are not my own...they are only loaned to me long enough for me to parent them. It's not my job to make them love me, make them love God or make them smart. I did, however, vow to parent them, love them, care for their needs, instruct them in the ways of righteousness.

And I have avoided fulfilling that vow b/c I wanted to make sure my kids loved me, more than I've wanted to actually parent them. It's been a Spirit-filled 2x4 over my head showing me this.

And the other thing He's shown me is that I have not been allowing my gentleness to be evident to my children, those we minister to, nor my friends. I've been anxious and I know that's shown a lack of trust in the Lord. Shame ON ME! I've been doing the very things that are driving my son to produce the wrong things in his life. And, I've avoided teaching him the necessities needed to reach his goals.

So, today we start fresh. He completes the tasks I give him before getting any "free time" on the internet, any movies time with friends, any phone time, etc.

I can't tell you the freedom I know have. It's like a huge emotional garbage bag has been lifted from my hands. I see clearly for the first time in weeks.

And when I sat my 15yos down and told him (in less than 2 minutes, btw) that I felt like I was confusing him, and that all that was going to stop, he almost acted like "Geez...it's about time." It was like he knew he needed more boundaries than I was providing, but he didn't want to admit it, kwim?

So, in the last 48 hours he's completed 12 lessons (just 32 + projects to go) and we're in boot camp mode. ;-)

God is good, and now...let's get this season over with! ;)

An exhausting week

2007-12-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am so tired, and yet, my head and heart are so full right now, that I feel like I have to at least get this stuff out of my head and down on "paper."

First off, I decided several weeks ago to slow my business building to a dead stop. Originally, it was because I really felt like the kids were at a place where they needed more of my attention. Then, as I began praying about it, I realized that the Lord has been convicting me for quite some time about how much I don't really trust Him when it comes to money. Maybe it's a lack of trust in my dh also, and that bothers me, too. I know it's wrong to feel like that.

But on top of all of that, I have been feeling called to be more involved in our ministry for quite some time, too. I been sorta just coasting along for the most part, helping people here from time to time, but not really investing in praying for them, or helping them draw closer to the Lord, ya know?

So, this week has been crazy.

1. The ministry decided to send a holiday letter to the churches and to our donors, but all of those had to be printed, folded, stuffed in brochures and delivered to the area churches. So, the kids and I spent a couple of days working on that with some of our sojourners and other staffers.

2. Today is foodbank day, like every Saturday. But as soon as we were done with that, 20+ college students came to help with various volunteer projects that needed to be done on the property; moving some of our sojourners from one apartment to another, painting a couple of rooms, painting some shelving, cleaning the foodbank, etc. And, the staff (including me) had to prepare for and supervise each project. It took us until about 5pm, so it was just a very long day today.

3. A couple of our sojourners have really needed some one-on-one attention this past week, too. Our apartment is right inside the front door of the facility, so my doorbell has been busy all week. I want to be helpful, but I seldom know where to draw the line so that my home doesn't have a revolving door. And my husband is also tired of not happy about there never being a quiet moment. Now, he's never been as quick to let people "in" as I have, but working in this ministry is really pushing his limits. And it's not like I'm not tired and feel like we need a break more often...it's just that I think I look at these "visits" differently, ya know? I mean, many of our sojourners really have no place to go for wise counsel, and many of them also are not very sure how to run to the Lord. It's a tough spot, for sure.

4. And, to top off the week, my dh and son are really having trouble communicating. To be honest, I feel like my son is handling the whole thing much better than dh is. Frustrates the tar out of me!!! So, I don't know what I can do about it. I try way to hard to "fix things," I know. And that's not good. But, it's exhausting, and is just wearing me out. :-/

Well, it feels good to unload a little. 15yos is doing his schooling daily, but there are lots of roadblocks, including the internet being down, and him getting distracted so easily. But I'm convinced that he's going to reach his goals. He doesn't have a choice. :-)

The other two kids are just awesome. One of our sojourners told me this week while I was decorating our front door, that she sees a huge difference in the kids since I decided to take a break from working. She also said that I seem far less stressful, too. I was glad to hear that. To be truthful, I really didn't know how unapproachable I was when I was working so much. Shame on me.

It's late, and I'm struggling with some late night anger towards my dh, so need to spend some time in prayer before sleeping.

Lord, You have been so good to me. My gratitude seems so small considering how great You are. Forgive me for being fearful. Forgive me for getting short tempered and being so prideful. Show me how to make a difference in our home that will matter. I'm trusting You, Jesus.

How Could I Ask For More? by Cindy Morgan

2007-11-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytIEoSH6qrE

Don't Expect Me to Laugh at Your Killer!

2007-11-14T08:20:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted on this thing. We've been incredibly busy with the move, activities going on in the ministry and, of course, bringing our son home from Michigan. It's good to have him home. But in all honesty, I did not miss the "three-siblings-pickin'-on-each-other" thing while he was away. I suppose it's all a part of sibling rivalry, huh?

A couple of nights ago, I was talking to the oldest, and he tends to be the typical teenage boy; making crude jokes with his goofy friends, laughing at things that most "refined" folks would consider inappropriate, and more often than not, are offensive to my "gentile" sensibilities. ;o) He had made a comment about something we were watching on TV. There were these two men living the bachelor life, and they were having dates over. My son said something like, "Yeah...my friend and me will be just like that (using his poor grammar and all here)...we'll have our own place and have chicks over ever night. It'll be sweet!"

Ugh!

Now any other night, I probably would have just blown it off. But I have been feeling such conviction in my own life lately, about how much we are entertained, and even laugh at sin. So, I just sorta snapped. I mean, I didn't begin yelling or anything, but I just began weeping. Have I trained this child to think that living a life of sinful pleasures will just be no big deal?? Have I been so apathetic about what I've watched and enjoyed, that he now thinks that he has no choice but to "enjoy" sowing his wild oats? :o/ Is there something else I should have been doing to help him understand that sin is a destroyer of life, and not something to play around with?

As I began trying to explain how I felt to him, I realized that he was really hearing nothing. He sorta rolled his eyes and gave me the "okay, sitting through another mommy rant" look that I have just grown to detest. So I stopped mid-thought, and just said, "Someday we'll talk about this seriously, and I hope it's not too late." :o(

I cried myself to sleep that night. But as I lay there praying, "Lord, Lord...please let him understand," another thought came to me. My children are responsible for their own convictions and beliefs, yes. I know I can only offer them the truth, but that doesn't mean that they HAVE to accept it as such. But, I don't have to spend time enjoying the very things that I know can eat them alive. It'll be a monumental task, especially because I do love watching TV and movies with the kids so much. But I've made my decision, kids...

Don't expect me to laugh at your killer. :o/

Moving again! Yay...and Awwww.

2007-10-09T20:49:00.002-07:00

Nobody enjoys all the hard work it takes to move. But, I'm actually quite excited. The volunteers here at the ministry have done a wonderful job of renovating, and actually creating, a new apartment. New kitchen, new utility room, new bathroom, and new carpet and linoleum. I'll post photos when we get all the cleaning done there so y'all can see it. And although I'm already swamped with a lot of work these days, I am very excited. Not only will that put staff on the main level of the complex (us!), but it will also be the newest and nicest apartment in the place.

The biggest perk for us will be that we no longer have to share a washer and dryer with other families in the complex. I don't mind so much sharing with them, but having to have a schedule, and not being able to wash everyday, any time I'd like, has been tough to get used to. Plus, other families will now be able to use the 12 hours that I've had the machines reserved for us each week. LOL! I'm sure they're all as thrilled as I am. :o)

Attachment Parenting...Great for the kid...but what about the babysitter?

2007-10-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Now, it's been years since I had a baby in my home. My youngest will be 9yo this month, and his baby years were just a blur for me.

So, I told one of the gals in our complex that I'd be happy to watch her 5mos for a few hours today, while she got her teeth pulled out of town. No sweat right? :o/

Well, evidently, she has been practicing "attachment parenting" or something similar. Because this kid would not let me put him down! :oP I had to either be feeding, playing with, or rocking him constantly. He even fell asleep in my arms after taking a bottle and givin' me a few monstrous burps. But when I tried to place him on his blanket on the floor,...WAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHH!!! I mean a screech like you would NOT believe.

Now, don't get me wrong; I held and carried my babies quite a bit when they were little. But they usually just played by themselves in th playpen or crib until they fell asleep, ya know?

I whole-heartedly agree that attachment parenting is a wonderful thing...unless you're the babysitter. ;o)

LOL!

Season's Change

2007-10-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

This has just been a week of changes. For the last eight years, I've been working as a volunteer on the Five in a Row forums. We fell in love with that curriculum nine years ago, and I became active in the online community then. In fact, I can honestly say that FIAR has been instrumental in our lives in dozens of ways.

If it hadn't been for FIAR, our homeschool journey would have been far less adventurous and fun.

If it hadn't been of FIAR, I never would have met and become close friends with the most amazing and wonderful people in the world.

If it hadn't been for FIAR, I never would have met, Madeline, Albert, Henry, Babar, Sal, and many other fine works of literature.

And if it hadn't been for FIAR, I might have missed the countless times that I've seen the FIAR staff operate as the church in the truest sense of the word.

This week, I was approached with the idea of retiring from the staff, and I agreed that it was time. Steve didn't actually ask me to leave the staff, he just opened the door for us to think about it. So, I prayed about it, and decided that it was time. My children are so much older now, and I have so little time to really be helpful on the staff.

It's a sad time for me, though. I know I'll retain and cherish the relationships that have been built during these last eight years. But change is difficult for me. :-(

I've also been in the process of enrolling my oldest in public school. He's going to be coming home from some friends' house in the next few weeks. And we've decided that his homeschooling journey has ended. He's 15yo now, and ready to become active in sports. He's already taken the school assessment and will be able to start on "grade level" which I've never really paid attention to, but I'm glad he's really not considered "behind," ya know?

But the season of change doesn't end there. I'm also having my 13yod evaluated by the local special ed. co-op, to determine if she has learning disabilities that they can offer services addressing her lack of reading skills. Now THIS really does make me nervous. Although, the SEC director was very nice and said he would help me with all the paperwork and hoop-jumping that needed to be done. Still, it's closer to having "big brother" in my business than I've really ever wanted. LOL!

And lastly, several of the people I've been ministering to where we live, are moving. I am really not ready for them to go, and will miss them so much.

Remarkably enough, I have a great deal of peace about many of these changes. I know that God is working actively in my life, and in the lives of my family. Change is difficult; sometimes I feel like I'm being pruned and it's painful. But I also know it's necessary for growth to happen.

Lord, don't let me miss it.

Friends are so sweet!

2007-09-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

One of my blogging buddies, Lynn, sent me a note saying she nominated me for an award; Nice Matters. How sweet! I didn't realize there were such awards out there. And I'm not certain what makes my blog so "nice," but I'm honored to be thought of.

I actually don't blog very often, due to time constraints. So what happens is, I don't blog for days and days, and then there's so much to share, that the task seems daunting. LOL! I'll try to start blogging short posts daily, and maybe it won't be so scary. *giggle*

A look at the babies!

2007-08-27T17:52:00.001-07:00

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

Deciding what's best

2007-08-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

I seem to go through this every school year. I know in my heart that homeschooling my kids is best for them, but there's always this part of me that wonders if I'm short-changing them by keeping them home. A big part of that, I know, is that putting them in school would allow me to work my business more...which of course would allow me to bring them home again, and offer more personalized teaching time, and certainly more "daddy" time, b/c dh could come home and help, too.

I guess until I have a clearer more defined idea of what putting them in school would do, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I mean...I think. (grrr!)

Long Story, but God's Blessing!

2007-07-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Dh went for a 26 mile bike ride this morning, and when he got home, he showed me a wallet he'd found on the side of the road. The license was there, and so were several credit cards, etc. Otherwise, it was empty. (No cash! ) He brought it to me, and I called the owner (via telephone information) in another city in KS. He was relieved and said that it sounded like the money was taken but he was excited not to have to replace his driver's license. He'd be coming our way on his way to Manhattan today, and he'd drop by to pick it up. Great!

So, dh leaves at 11:40, thinking he'll drive by that same route and look around for this guy's money, just in case. Sure enough, he found $200+ and called me to tell me that when the guy got here, to make arrangements for him to get his cash from us. The guy had just left the apartment when Larry called, so I dashed out the door and flagged him down.

Dh turned around and came home (about 8 miles out) to bring the guy his cash. While we waited, this guy and I talked about Main Street, what he did for a living, about any local connections we might share, etc. I mentioned that we'd just come home from five days with our teenager in Michigan and told him a little about our love for Lake Michigan.

Dh came in just a few minutes later and handed this guy his money, a debit card that he was grateful not to have to replace, his social security card, library card, and several other cards his wife's been telling him to get rid of for years. LOL

Dh left in a hurry, now running a hair later than he'd like, and I ushered the guy to the door to leave. We'd actually had a great visit and I'm hoping they'll come around for a visit from time to time.

He then proceeds to tell me that he was just so impressed that we'd return his wallet and $$, that he wanted me to keep the cash. I tried to assure him that it was just not necessary to reward us for doing the right thing, but he insisted.

Now, what he didn't know was how hard these next two weeks were going to be on us, b/c we pretty much used up all the money we had (until next payday - 10 days away) and then some, to get to MI to see ds. We really haven't worried about it, we just knew it was going to be tight, and we were okay with it...the trip was worth some "tightness." *grin*

I just feel like God worked out a way when we hadn't really even asked for Him to do so. Feeling blessed to be His child right now! *happy tears*
__________________

I think I've decided what my blog is for.

2007-06-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

I know lots of people go into their blogs daily and update the world on what's going on in their lives and families. It's like a public diary that helps other family and friends stay in touch. I think that's an awesome idea.

But in all honesty, I have to say that I'm pretty sure my blog is a place for me to come and gripe! :o/ It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. I seldom feel the need or desire to come post a new entry unless I'm just having a really lousey day. And today is one of them. :o(

My oldest son is staying with friends over the summer in another state. It's like a 14 hour trip. We decide a couple of weeks ago that we'd try to put a trip together over the fourth so we could go visit him. Now I don't know how most other families live, but we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. So coming up with money for a long trip is tough. Dh thought he had it worked out, but it's beginning to look like we're not going anywhere. :o(

We would take his little Mercury Tracer, but the clutch is going out. I called a friend to see if we could borrow a car from her (she owes me money so I'm thinking we could swap out, right?) and she's pretty sure her dh won't go for having his newer car away that far with someone else driving. I understand...I do.

I could rent a car, but that takes credit cards...those are still maxed out from the trip we took a couple of months ago to deliever ds to his destination. Then, we borrowed my mom's car, but she's going to need it next week, so we can't borrow that. And to top it off, I've gotten a couple of ugly "reminders" that I owe other people money.

I'm so sad right now. :o( How do other people always have enough for these little things? I want to see my baby but I'm beginning to doubt that we'll be able to do it.

Lord, I know I need to just be grateful...and I know you're way too generous to me already. But I miss ds and would really like to spend a few days with him. If it's not in your plan, that's okay. I'm sure absense will just make our hearts grow fonder. *weep*

A Sad but True Story

2007-06-10T07:07:00.001-07:00

Directly across the street from our apartment complex is the home of a tortured soul. We'll call her Mary.

Mary spent most of her life abusing alcohol. In the two years I've known her and we've been involved here, she has come to my apartment twice. Disoriented and with slurred speech, she would ask me to call her cell phone so she could hear it ring and locate it, as it was somehow lost in her home. She talked often of a son who didn't want to have anything to do with her. She was hospitalized frequently for trying to use something besides alcohol to medicate her suffering. She didn't have a full-time care-giver though, b/c she did have good days, too. Days when she'd water her plants, care for her animals (a bird and cat) and take walks in the neighborhood.

Mary would show up in our office just babbling about things, and it was obvious she needed looking after. We would talk sweetly to her, hoping to say the right "sweet" things to move her on...move her out of our meeting or out of our luncheon. Oh, we'd offer coffee and a sandwich,...let her know we were "praying for her" as she left. After all, we wanted her to know Jesus, right?

But nobody really wanted Mary around. She was just too...too much. Her liver and mind in bondage to a past full of drunken mistakes and untold pain.

We were told a few weeks ago, by her part-time care giver and friend, that she was going to move to be closer to her son. He was in another state. She told me, "He's going to let me come see him! I'm so glad he's letting me come. It's been over ten years."

She began making plans to sell her home (which she really didn't own, but she thought she did) and she thought maybe out ministry would like to buy it. She gave us the tour, pointing out all of her favorite places to sit and read, or sit and crochet. When we got to the upstairs she said, "This little room here in the middle is used as a big closet, but I think this would be a great bathroom for your kids...just needs some new wallpaper and plumbing."

I saw her walking across the street a few days ago, or maybe it had been a week...not sure. Wishing I'd actually stopped, now. Asked her when she was leaving...or how she was feeling...or what she knows about her home finally selling....I wish I'd asked her anything at all. But...I didn't even make note of the day...or time. I wonder why I didn't imprint the day and time on my mind...I remember thinking, "She should be moving soon." And that was the last time I saw her.

Nobody here was concerned when we didn't see her anymore. We knew she was planning to leave, and just assumed that she didn't want to say goodbye. Shoot...it barely came up at all.

Last night, after spending a glorious day, living my own glorious life (working in the foodbank helping people needing food, going to the movies with my family, talking on the phone to my oldest teen and hearing nothing but good things about his time away), I went out to sit on the patio that extends off the upper floor of the complex. It was 11:00pm, and two of my son's friends (bored teens) were already there. I said, "Hey guys...what ya lookin' at?" as they gawked across the street.

One said, "Must be a drug bust. Every cop in the county is there. 'Cept...I don't know who's big white suburban that is."

I did.

I went downstairs and stood on the curb waiting for one of the officers to cross the street to his car, so I could ask the question that I was certain I already knew the answer to. When one of them did, it was an officer I knew from church. "David...is that Jay's car?" He said, "Why?" Obviously he didn't want to share too much information. "Because he's the city's mortician, and that would mean Mary is in there and needs him." I began to cry and he just nodded. "It's him."

He didn't tell me anymore details, but did ask me when I'd seen her last, as he was trying to piece together a timeline. He couldn't tell me how she had passed, but I knew one thing...she was alone when she died. That thought just fed the flow of tears, as I stood there and watched the scene become more and more like something from a C.S.I. episode.

Mary didn't have friends. She didn't have a job. She lived in that big 'ol house alone, and her mind had become so childlike as it began to suffer the consequences of those years of alcoholic abuse to her body.

She did want to make sure that I knew she had made peace with the Lord at some point in her life. When I took that tour of her home and mentioned we were praying about what the Lord might want to do to expand our ministry, she said, "God's really blessing me."

I didn't spend a lot of time with her. Nobody did. It was inconvenient to set aside time for her...to try and listen to her. She didn't make a lot of sense sometimes...and she swaggered from side to side; the effect of many years of medicating depression and abusing her body, I'm sure.

We were always so busy...so much to do...so much work to do. Important stuff...I'm sure....or am I?

Across the street from a Christ-centered ministry lived a tortured soul who won't be missed...and that breaks my heart.

Funny...the church bells are now ringing out behind me....I can hear them.

God help us.

Weird Summer for us!

2007-06-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

This is definitely not the summer I envisioned last winter. I was planning on being out of the ministry apartment by now, for one. But we're still trying to pay off our debts, and it makes sense to be here where we love working, anyway.

I also wasn't expecting my 15yos to be so far away. If you've read any of my previous blogs, my oldest son and his father have been in a constant "teen feud" for most of the last year. He's not minded me either, but that's another post. Anyway, he's spending some time working with our friends who own and operate Shily's Promise Youth Ranch, still in its infancy. :o) It's a wonderful place, but it's almost 800 miles away. And I miss him terribly. He's doing very well there, and Jesus is restoring the years the locust have eaten while he's away. We're also working on how to make life better for all of us when he comes home, later this summer.

Speaking of which, the Lord is just so faithful to reveal and humble us when we let Him. I'm amazed at how much He's shown me these past six weeks, alone. It's the reason I've become more committed than ever to daily surrender to serving...the Lord, my family...especially my kids and their schooling...and the ministry of Main Street. It's meant releasing my business...which is really tough for me...over achiever out the wah-zoo!...but so freeing, too.

What else? Oh, dh is on second shift, and as challenging as that has been, it's really working quite nicely. He's here to help round up the kids in the morning and get them on task...and he's home early enough at night that we can still at least sleep the same hours. Not bad! ;o)

Had an interesting counseling experience last night. One of our sojourners was admitted to the hospital recently b/c of losing her temper and hurting herself. She claims to be seeing "things" in her apartment, and confessed to me that she turned her back on the Lord a long time ago and had a MESS of oppression from past cultic and occultic, plus plain immoral, behaviors.

So my mom and I spend a couple of hours praying with her in her apartment last night, and it was just awesome! Jesus cleansed her heart, and gave her freedom she hadn't known in years. The enemy is fierce and fanged when you don't know how powerless he is...so this was so good for her. Praise the Lord!

Father, I continue to be amazed at how much You love me, my kids, and just people in general. You're a wonderful God and I cherish Your mercy and grace. Help me to remember how big You are in the midst of my circumstances, and the situations of others. I love You! - Amen.

Trying a new schedule...again! :-P

2007-06-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Dh is back on second shift...NO...wait! He's on a different shift, but not really second shift...sorta after noon but before ten. :oP Anyway, that's a lot different than the old "up by five, home by 3" schedule he used to keep. And, since he's not home in the evening now, that changes my work schedule, too. I'm so proud of how well it's going so far.

Keep in mind that I am soooooo NOT a morning person! I want to be up late reading and watching movies, maybe a Frazier rerun from time to time...but now, I'm down and out by 11pm, at the latest.

So, here's what it looks like now:
6:30 - I'm up and working on coffee, chores and breakfast so I can be ready for phase II, which is...
7:30 - Bible time!
8-noon - I'm working my business. (and the kids and dh are really good about leaving me alone so I can truly work during this time...so proud of them!) ;o)

The kids are up and workin' on chores by 7:30, eating by 8:00 and ready to sit down with Dad from 9-11 to do reading and math. Plus, he takes them out for about 1/2 an hour to do some exercise of some sort; cycling, basketball here at the complex, and today it was tennis. :o)

I work on lunch from 11:30 to noon (still half-way workin' on my business...but listening on the phone mostly, so this is easy multi-tasking).

By then dh is out the door. Once lunch is cleaned up and the table usable for school, the kids and I start our Beyond/FIAR lessons. Today we working on Homer Price history; TV and Radio of the 1940's.

Fun fact: One of the neighbor girls my dd plays with was here this morning ans asked if she could participate in our "rowing." I told her she could, and she had a blast! We're lapbooking from the FIAR fold-n-learns for HP, and she really enjoyed it. She said several times, "I didn't know that!?!" while we studied about Orson Welles, the original radio broadcast of War of the World's , and the first TV's cost. It was so cute to see her (13yo) get so excited and make her lapbook with us.

But I got a real kick out of hearing her 16yo brother say the same things when he came in the apartment to get her after our lesson. "Wow! I didn't know that!" LOL! (And the real blessing from this is that this kid and my son got into a major KDDO last December...so I never expected to see him in my apartment,...and being civil!

Praise the Lord!
;o)

Today, I'm officially the mother of TWO Teenagers!

2007-06-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! My little girl turns 13yo today. She's in that awkward stage of clumsiness and hormone's. LOL! Beautiful!

2007-06-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

This just makes me crazy!!!

2007-06-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty good communicator...I mean, according to my business partners and mentor, according to the people I minister with here,...I have pretty decent verbal communication skills. I think I'm pretty good at clarifying my position on any one of a million topics. So...

...why is it so hard to make a point to my husband? I've tried word-pictures, using analogies, using a different tone of voice...he still does not seem to understand what I'm trying to say sometimes. It makes me feel stupid and foolish...like if I just knew how to "do it the right way," he'd get it!

Grrrr!

Calgon...take me away!!

A typical Saturday at Main Street

2007-06-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I usually sleep in until 8am on Satudays. The kids use this day to eat a sweet breakfast (something I don't let them do on school days) and play on the Gamecube (which I really hate, but...). Dh is up and out the door before 8am, headed off to the men's Bible study breakfast that we have for our sojourner's here.

Saturday is foodbank day at Main Street ministries.

So from 9-noon, folks in need in our county can come and get a box of food (whatever we have on the shelves) to get them by for a spell. Up until the last couple of months, I've been labeled the "prayer partner" responsible for spending some time in the counselling room with each "banker." I pray with them, usually try to network them with other agencies that can offer assistance, and just get to know them and their situation a little bit. It's very emotionally draining, to be quite honest; many of them come with extreme loads of baggage, and very few of them really want to listen to my "encouragement." (Maybe that's how Jesus feels when I don't want to listen to Him. *gulp*)

Dh takes all the recyclable's to the center (only time their open for receiving).

The kids usually help, too. The oldest helps carry out food boxes, moves donated furniture if needed, and "hangs out" in the event there are other jobs to do. My 13yod works in the foodbank, too, packing boxes and bags, re-stocking shelves, and babysits for the volunteers who work in the foodbank.

My youngest, 8yos, just gamecubes and plays with the neighbors, for the most part.

For the last couple of months, dh and I have been taking a sabbatical of sorts. I haven't been working in the foodbank since the end of March, and he hasn't had a lot of the maintenance responsibilities to tend to. It's been a good break for us. We needed to work intently on our marriage and our kids, our oldest in particular. We've seen the Lord work on us alot these past couple of months, as He's faithful to do, when we allow it. :o/

This is my last official "day off" from the foodbank, or from MSM for that matter. I'm a little fearful about starting up in a more involved staff capacity. I tend to let myself get consumed very easily. And God has shown me clearly these last couple of months, what my priorities must be; my volunteer/ministry work is a ways down on the list.

Think I'll head on down there and see what's going on in the foodbank this morning. Just as a visitor....HONEST! ;o)

If you read my post on the FIAR boards today...

2007-06-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

...then you know how frustrated I've been all day. My dh sat down to work on the checking account, and just like every other time, hegot frustrated about how muchmoney we owe on our credit cards. Now, I'm taking a lot of responsibiliy for what we owe on those cards. Okay...I'm responsible for pretty much all the debt on those cards. I've used them to payfor business ads, for school books, to pay for gasoline while I'm on the road, for a yearly convention with the company I work with,...and in a perfect world, my plan was always to pay off what I'd used. But then my check would come, or his check would come, and we'd realize we could do little more than just pay the minimum payments. And, I'm glad I've got those cards. We came out of a horrible bankruptcy five years ago, and me getting and keeping those cards caught up and using them, has really rebuilt my (our) credit score.

But anyway, everytime we look at the bills, my wheels start spinning; how can I help more, what can I sell to get us out of debt? I am only working a few hours a week right now, and that's getting me close to fulltime income. I really am committed to being a full time mom, though...so can't really work a whole lot more than I am already.

So today, I visited ebay and posted a book to sell, went into my library trying to figure out what I could bear to let go of. :-( But of course, I'm even thinking maybe I should stop schooling for the summer, find a full time job (for the summer), and use that income to pay off our debts. In the long run, it would probably a wise move, fiscally speaking. But, I purposely haven't worked outside the home for fifteen years. I hate it! But, for three months only...my kids could stay with my mom (she's willing) and they could help her get her house ready to sell in the fall.

Until I decide, I'm still going to sell all the things I can possibly sell and apply that income to our cards. I am committed. Praying hard for the Lord to help me do this and then maybe I won't even HAVE to go to work for the summer. Of course, dh is not even aware I'm thinking this way. :o/

Several years ago...

2007-05-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

Annie Chapman recorded a song called, "Survivor." It was the cutest thing! I was a fairly new mom at the time, only had a 3yos and a 6mod, and the song clearly defined what my days were like...CRAZY!!

The song was certainly good for a chuckle! LOL But since that song came out, I've battled back and forth in my mind (and my personality) about which mother I am really most like; the one that strives for her children to consider her a blessing, or the mom who just drudges through each day, trusting that the Lord can make a better pie than I can with the ingredients I work with. ;o)

So, here's my new blog page, where I'll be sharing the "ingredients" of our days, and maybe we'll share a piece of pie from time to time.
Lisa